Things have been a rollercoaster.
My husband and I have been going through so many ups and downs this year.
I have had increasing anxiety.
The talk of going back on medication kept coming up
over and
over and
over and
over.
Every time I said NO.
I did not want to go back on medication.
Everyone agreed to leave it alone for a while.
Then last weekend, as we were driving up to my parents' house I had a panic attack.
Now I have had panic attacks before, and this one was small in comparison,
but I was able to make a break through.
My husband and I sat in the car in my parents' driveway for what seemed like forever.
He talked me down and I was able to become rational again.
He said, "If you need to go back on medication or go to therapy then we will do it, you are not the same girl that I married".
As soon as I heard the word "medication" all my walls went up.
He asked me why.
I was forced to understand myself and why I was so against going on medication again.
My original reason was because the medication I was on can cause birth defects.
My reasoning now was pride.
I proved I could do this on my own and I wanted to keep doing it alone.
(Of course I was not doing it alone. Whenever I have anxiety my husband is right there, my dad, my mom, and the Lord. I am not ever handling it alone.)
I asked J, "Am I not doing a good enough job?" and I burst into tears.
He held me and told me that I was doing a great job, but that life was still hard for me. If there was a way to make the simple things, that had recently become so hard for me, go away then why not do it?
I let my pride go and let him talk to me.
He had very valid reasoning for me going back on medication.
Bless his heart.
It can't be easy living with an anxiety ridden wife everyday, and yet a smile never leaves his face.
I don't know how I got to spend forever with such an amazing man.
I was able to see his side.
Understand that I was a different person.
Going on medication helped me to be the real Kimmee.
I knew that going on medication would save me, our marriage, and our future children.
The next day J did some researching about different medications.
We talked it over and decided that the risk was low enough that it was worth going back on meds.
Of course though, I want to speak with my doctor.
I made an appointment and am going next week.
I feel relieved.
Blessed.
Loved.
Saved.
Life is a journey with so much to learn.
