I am not a fan of the way my
anxiety forces itself into my relationship with my husband.
It doesn't make things better.
I wish that I could just sort things out in my head.
.....gah.....
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
25 things about growing up with autism
This was a post from autismspeaks.org that fit so well with
me and my family. I loved it so much that I had to share.
I can relate so well to what she is saying.
Enjoy!!
Growing up with a sibling on the spectrum is anything but typical - but isn't every growing up experience unique? Each of us looks at life through a different lense; mine just happens to be with an autism filter.
So before I present to you my list about growing up with a sibling on the spectrum, let me offer you one of my favorite quotes,
"To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts… We live outside the touch of time." -Clara Ortega
1. You don't get angry or upset when your autistic brother points out the wrinkles on your face or the fact that your roots are showing and you need to get to a salon stat. If it was your other brother, than there'd be a problem.
2. You may move to a big city and live a 'groovy' lifestyle - rock on! But you will also have to return to your parents' house to snap back to reality. This can be done through taking walks, watching movies, or making giant ice cream sundaes with your brother.
3. You wonder how your mom and dad hold the family together all the while praying you can be half the parents they are.
4. When you are a little girl you’ll play budget because you went to so many meetings as a kid, hanging out under conference tables with coloring books.
5. You'll never feel connected to another person in the way you are with your nuerotypical sibling. They are the only ones that know the walk you are walking. You may have different ways of coping and that’s okay, but you’ll have the utmost admiration for them. Hear that one Tommy?
6. It’s not shocking to you, but nevertheless, you are awe inspired by the compassion and generosity of your fellow siblings, no matter how young. A prime example is my gal pal Katie, the daughter of Jess fromDiary of a Mom, who worked to make the childrens' ICU cancer wing a little brighter in honor of her friend Tuck.
7. Fight. Get upset with each other. If you didn’t it would be weird! Just be sure that you make up – it’s not healthy to have that kind of tension in your life and there isn't anything truly worth being that angry over.
8. You'll think that you 'missed out' on some things during childhood, like trips to Disney or a Barbi Jeep, and it'll kill you that your parents feel any sort of guilt. The truth is though, you were given so much more... More than anyone will ever know.
9. The hope is though that you have friends like the Toal boys who’ll drive you around in their army jeep, even if they don't always share (Matt!)
10. You might meet some people in college who think your brother is a babe and beg to know when he'll come to party. Be prepared to laugh and tell them 'yes he's handsome but he probably won't party with you, and the conversation may be a bit strained.'
11. You’ll question how someone who doesn't have speech can be so loud.
12. That said, there's no greater sound that a genuine belly laugh from your sibling.
13. You’ll know that when you become a mother, you’ll go to battle for your kids. Hopefully you’ll find friends to fight the good fight and laugh A LOT along the way.
14. Going into arcades may dredge up bad memories. You'll learn to be the master of compartmentalizing.
15. There will be moments, many in fact, when you’ll be overcome with pride when you think back on how far your sibling has come.
16. When finding someone to spend the rest of your life with - be sure that they tell you regularly how lucky you are to come from the place that you did. They'll also respect the relationship you have with your family and know that if they sign on with you, it's with the whole kooky bunch.
17. Birthdays are anything but typical. You’ll get used to your brother holding his ears anytime he hears the ‘happy birthday song,’ but still make everyone sing it twice.
18. You don't mind singing in public. Even if it means holding hands and singing 'we are family; Mommy, Tommy, Daddy, Ali, and Jeffery' or the 'Cruella Deville' theme song.
19. You think people who don't know someone like Jeff is missing out. Jeff makes people better simply by being himself.
20. You will come to define ‘family’ loosely as the people that are there for you and truly understand you will have no blood relation. Those people are the ones that will do holidays and vacations with you (Kyle and Conor), the ones that will gather at Erin Lane to share in our brothers’ group home for decades to come, and the tall Irish ones that come for tea.
21. From time to time you'll allow your parents to baby you as an adult because you did have to grow up faster than most. (Dad I'll pay you for my cellphone next month!)
22. When playing sports you will look forward to seeing your sibling sitting in a lawn chair on the sideline. You will also get some hives when they start making noise during the silence of a penalty shot.
23. Both home and car insurance are vital. You learn this after your sibling goes through a stretch of kicking out windshields because of frustration or when they accidentally drive through the garage. Thanks AllState!
24.Talking about autism can be tricky, but work to get comfortable with it. My parents encouraged us to, mostly by example. They are educators sharing their experiences to not only my oldest brother Tom and I, but to the thousands of kids they taught and coached along the way. Anyone that knows my parents, can tell you that they ‘walk the walk and talk the talk.’ It’s no mystery to anyone that family is their priority. Luckily, it rubbed off on me.
25. You may not ever want to have a career in autism, heck it's all you've known, but never stop advocating for your loved ones. Jeff has made my life so much richer - I owe it to him to do the same.
http://www.autismspeaks.org/blog/2013/02/12/25-things-about-growing-autism-sibling-redux?utm_source=social-media&utm_medium=text-link&utm_campaign=espeaks
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
One In A Million
When I was living with B she showed me a song!
I found it again yesterday on my Ipod and was astounded
at how perfect it fit my story with J.
I'll share the lyrics here.
(and I'm changing the she's to he's)
"He was so good but I was scared
that nothing ever lasts for long.
They say it's better to have loved and lost
but I couldn't bare to lose it all.
So back and forth I dragged it on.
And he didn't know what was wrong
and it wasn't that obvious to me.
No I didn't want to get too close
But still I didn't want to let him go.
It seems we always end up hurting in the end.
But then I threw all caution to the wind,
and I opened up and let him in.
And now he's got me high as the ceiling,
cause he's one in a million.
It felt so good to hold him close,
like it was almost worth the risk.
Sometimes it's better to leave it alone,
but I couldn't at a time like this.
And he grabbed my hand and pulled me through.
Though I didn't expect him too.
Why wasn't it obvious to me?
No I didn't want to get too close,
but still I didn't want to let him go.
It seems we always end up hurting in the end.
But then I threw all caution to the wind,
and I opened up and let him in.
And now he's got me high as the ceiling,
cause he's one in a million.
Yeah he's one in a million.
And like a soldier he held strong.
And swore he'd never run away.
Though he could have come and gone, he stayed.
No I didn't want to get too close,
But still I didn't want to let him go.
It seems we always end up leaving in the end.
But then I stopped looking for a sign,
and I took that boy and made him mine.
And now he's got me high as the ceiling,
cause he's one in a million.
He's got me high as the ceiling,
cause he's one in a million.
I'm honestly so happy. I never thought that this would happen for me.
I love him with everything I have. I don't want to know where I'd be without J.
I love you babe!!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Tender Mercies
Last night I had a very special and sacred experience.
It was made known to me that my Heavenly Father knows
exactly who I am and what I am feeling.
He is very aware of what I am going through.
He answered my cry for help. He knows me more than I know myself.
It is so awing to me that as huge as this universe is, I am still so important to Him.
When I realized that my Father in Heaven was talking directly to me
I began to cry. How incredible.
He told me just what I needed to hear in such simple terms.
He understood my thoughts.
I was in awe.
I still am.
I am very grateful to my Father in Heaven for comforting me
and remembering me.
I am also grateful that my sweet husband was in tune enough with
the spirit that he was able to be the vessel in which God reached out to me.
God lives and is very real.
And I can't wait to give him a huge hug when I get to Heaven.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
I am so blessed!
Lately I have been thinking a lot about how blessed I am.
I have the greatest family in the world and I have
gained a new family too! How lucky am I??
Where to start?
Husband
He is so giving and self-less. He is always thinking about me. He is worried about our future and how he is going to provide for us and our future children. He is worried about having a job that he loves. I know he will get something that he is great at and that he loves. He is honest and he openly loves me like I never thought was possible. He has this smile that melts my heart. I love it. I love him. He is obedient to the commandments and centers his life with Christ. I love that he is never afraid to share his testimony with me. Just thinking about him makes me smile!! He is amazing! Our favorite thing to do is watch Bones. It is one of those shows that makes you laugh, cry, and scream all in 45 minutes. I introduced him to it and now he loves it more than I do. I love being able to share the things I love with him. It makes it so much more fun! I love my J.
Sister
My sister is the most forgiving and loving person I have ever met in my life. She looks up to me so much and I am not worthy of her admiration. She enjoys the simple things in life and loves to help others. She is a forever friend to anyone who needs her no matter if they have hurt her in the past. She has a huge heart. She just finished her first semester of college with flying colors. I am so proud of her. She is an inspiration to me. I love her so much!
Dad
Where to even begin with my dad? He has taught me so much. Some of the things he has taught me are: hard work, honesty, diligence, living by faith, trust, and that hugging and kissing isn't the only way to show love. My dad hasn't been dealt the easiest hand in life and yet he lives every day and gives it his best. He never complains. He makes me laugh so hard by just being himself. I am so grateful that I was raised by this incredible man. He showed me that gentlemen still exist and gave me a hope for my future that I could one day marry a man like him. Lucky for me I did. My dad has reached out to J so much and I love to see them interact. He has accepted J as a son and a part of the family. It is so fun to watch it all come to life. What can I say? I am so blessed!
Mom
I grew up watching my mom and grandma talk on the phone everyday to each other. They were the best of friends. I wanted that so badly for me and my mom. Guess what? I do! I talk to my mom pretty much everyday, sometimes even multiple times a day. She is my go-to girl, my best friend, my shining example. She is by my side no matter what. Even what I have my bratty moments and my childish fits she talks me through it and loves me even more. I would not be the woman I am if it wasn't for my mother. People tell me I have her smile and that makes me happy. It means I have a piece of her wherever I go! She pushes me to be better than I. She supports my goals. She never makes me feel inferior or worthless. She is the best mom a girl could ask for!
I have posted about my little brother so many times before. He is the glue that holds our family together. We wouldn't be as close as we are if it wasn't for him. His innocent spirit uplifts us and reminds us that the important things in life aren't the big things, they are the little things.He keeps us on our toes. There is never a dull moment at our house. I don't even want to imagine where I would be if it wasn't for this little guy.
Big Brother
My big brother is my protector and my example. I wanted nothing than to be his best friend. We aren't the traditional definition of best friends though. We are very close but in a unique way. There have been experiences in our lives that have brought us closer together that other siblings don't go through. He and I are very different and only have a few things in common. But the things we have in common are very strong. I know that if I needed him J would be right by my side helping me, or beating someone up if need be ;) He is impossible to be mad at because of his irresistible charm. He is getting married this summer and I am so excited for him. The woman he has chosen to be his wife couldn't be more perfect for him. She makes him better. It will be a wonderful future.
Baby Sister
I am so excited that H is going to be my sister! She fits so well into our family and makes it complete. She gets along well with the little brother and that is something that we love! She makes my brother better (not that he wasn't great before!) and more willing to look outside himself. If you haven't noticed she is pure beauty! She is tons of fun and loves to laugh. She isn't shy at tall. I love it! I can't wait to get to know her more!
Waites
I have a new family now! I don't know everyone well yet but I am excited to get to know them all as the years go by. From what I know about them now I love them so much! It is weird how I instantly fell in love with them all. I even have a niece and two nephews now!!
Being married is so much fun. My family has grown in ways I never understood. It is only going to get better! I told you I was really blessed! :)
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
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