Meds

I went to the doctor today.
I am officially back on meds.

I feel great!

I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

I learned that I can do this alone,

 but I don't have to.

Thank heavens for modern medicine!

Ups and Downs

Things have been a rollercoaster.

My husband and I have been going through so many ups and downs this year.

I have had increasing anxiety.

The talk of going back on medication kept coming up

over and

over and 

over and

over.

Every time I said NO.

I did not want to go back on medication.

Everyone agreed to leave it alone for a while.

Then last weekend, as we were driving up to my parents' house I had a panic attack. 

Now I have had panic attacks before, and this one was small in comparison, 

but I was able to make a break through.

My husband and I sat in the car in my parents' driveway for what seemed like forever.

He talked me down and I was able to become rational again.

He said, "If you need to go back on medication or go to therapy then we will do it, you are not the same girl that I married".

As soon as I heard the word "medication" all my walls went up. 

He asked me why.

I was forced to understand myself and why I was so against going on medication again.

My original reason was because the medication I was on can cause birth defects.

My reasoning now was pride.

I proved I could do this on my own and I wanted to keep doing it alone.

(Of course I was not doing it alone. Whenever I have anxiety my husband is right there, my dad, my mom, and the Lord. I am not ever handling it alone.)

I asked J, "Am I not doing a good enough job?" and I burst into tears.

He held me and told me that I was doing a great job, but that life was still hard for me. If there was a way to make the simple things, that had recently become so hard for me, go away then why not do it?

I let my pride go and let him talk to me.

He had very valid reasoning for me going back on medication.

Bless his heart.

It can't be easy living with an anxiety ridden wife everyday, and yet a smile never leaves his face.

I don't know how I got to spend forever with such an amazing man.

I was able to see his side.

Understand that I was a different person.

Going on medication helped me to be the real Kimmee.

I knew that going on medication would save me, our marriage, and our future children.

The next day J did some researching about different medications. 

We talked it over and decided that the risk was low enough that it was worth going back on meds.

Of course though, I want to speak with my doctor.

I made an appointment and am going next week.

I feel relieved.

Blessed.

Loved.

Saved.

Life is a journey with so much to learn.

Test

This year started off with a bang.

We have had some highs and some lows.

We have had to make some hard decisions and rely a lot on Heavenly Father.

It has been hard.

I have shed lots of tears and prayed a lot.

J has been a rockstar in helping me get through this.

Everything is working out and we are ok. 

I love the gospel. 

The Church Is True

I recently started a family blog and have been better about updating that one.

I have sorta forgotten about this one.

This morning I was at the gym on the treadmill.

I got to thinking about death (for some weird reason)

and how death is only a little bit scary because I can't remember the place which I would be returning to.

One thing led to another and I began thinking about how life all started,

how Heavenly Father was created,

How we are here,

and what there would be if we weren't here?

HOW ARE WE HERE? THINKING? BREATHING? MOVING?

How is it that I am existing?

I started to panic.

There I am in the middle of the gym, on the treadmill mind you, having a panic attack.

I grabbed my phone wanting to call my husband,

my eyes brimming with tears knew that he wouldn't answer.

I felt lost and alone.

My mind was spinning and I didn't' know how to get it back.

I finally said, "Father, I need your help."

I was instantly calmed. 

I couldn't help but smile. 

So there I was totally calm and smiling.

I said a prayer of thankfulness a few times while I finished working out.

I love the Lord, I love his gospel. He never leaves us alone. 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true.

Fall 2013

Today was the last day of my semester.

That means one more semester left until I am thrown out into the real world.

My mom told me to not worry yet, but of course....

I am worried.

I am anxious about getting a job.

I am doing an internship right now and I am loving it so much.

I hope that I can be hired on there, but you never know.

Other than that I am happy the semester is over. 

I spend the day running errands and wrapping Christmas presents.

I am so ready for Christmas! 

I love the Holidays.

I love the Spirit of Christ that is so pronounced this time of year!

Take every chance you get to serve others. 

Enjoy the season!

Funny Things

I had just finished doing the dishes and asked J, "Now what should I do?"

J is working on tons of homework and I had none to do.

J suggests reading, watching a movie, crocheting, etc.

I look at my phone and I got an email so I read it.

It is from someone I don't know but the first line says,

"Dear Sister W., The Lord needs you to do family search indexing...."

BOOM.

Got my answer of what I am supposed to be doing right now!

J and I laughed about it. 

Good times!

Off to indexing...

Differences

Today I learned a valuable lesson.

J is different than me and as much as I wish he did everything my way,

 that isn't gonna happen!

I am the type who wants to get things done right away.

Once I am finished then I can relax.

J is they type that likes to relax a little, get things done, and then relax again.

Both are effective and get what needs to be done, done.

We are different and that is ok!

A Quote to Share

Everything Is Alright!

I just wanted to post that everything is going well. 

I am doing so much better!

My parents are having the time of their lives, B is behaving like an angel,

and my driving anxiety is reducing which is great!

I have an appointment to meet with a therapist tomorrow and I am really excited.

There are some things I need to work through. 

It will be great.
Today was a wonderful day. 

I love my family.

I love my husband.

I love my Heavenly Father.

Life is good.

ANXIETY

Yesterday was bad. 

I cried for most of the day.

We made it to church, but I had to leave early.

Social anxiety hit me hard yesterday.
I didn't want to talk to anyone. 

All I wanted to do was sit in my bed and cry.

My parents are going out of town for two weeks.

I always cry when they leave.

I start to worry they are going to die. 

Then I think about all the things that would happen if they died,

 and what would happen to me...

 and my brother...

 and my family.

It overwhelms me. 

J kept saying to take it one step at a time.

He's right.

I was so angry with him at the time because to me he didn't understand.

He doesn't know what it is like to be in my brain.

I can hardly explain it myself.

He is so patient with me and loving and kind and I repay him with anger.

When I am in the moment that is all I can think about.

I feel so bad.

We went to a friend's house, one I've been to a bunch of times.

I couldn't get out of the car. 

I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone.

It was nothing personal... my brain just couldn't handle it.

I tried to get out of the car 3 times and couldn't.

We sat there for 20 minutes.

All the while, J being as patient and loving as can be, 

ready to turn around and go home to do what is best for me.

In the end I put on my brave face and went in.

I ended up having a good time.

I felt better.

I love J.

Boo....

This is not a Halloween Boo, 

this is a "Boo to homework".

I am starting to actually write my thesis now and it is rough stuff. 

Just trying to start is what gets me. 

Ergo... I don't do anything.

My professor keeps saying, "You can't revise a blank paper"

Which is WAY true.

But I can't get past the blank page. 

I know I just need to start. 

The sooner I start the sooner I am done.

also....

If I start on this now I won't have to work on it over Thanksgiving Break. 

That would be lovely.

I guess I'll work on it tomorrow....

hahah.

But really, I will.

Joyful Music!

Check out this fun song and awesome video! 

My new song obsession...

J

Today's post is dedicated to my fantastic husband. 

I love him more than I know how to explain. 

He is perfect for me. 

J and I have so much fun together.

We love to chat about anything and everything.

One of my favorite conversations we had most recently was analyzing the "50 states, 50 sandwiches" and why we thought the sandwich was right or wrong for the state. (Like we even have a clue!)

We love to watch food network or other cooking shows so we think we are food critics.

Basically we are nerds that think we are awesome, and we love to laugh! 

Sometimes J will say something that makes me laugh so hard I start to cry.

I can't stop laughing for a while and then J will start to laugh. 

We love to watch shows together and talk about them.

Like I said before, we love to chat. 

When we spend time together we just like to chill and talk.

We just love each other, so when we get to spend time together (and aren't doing homework) we just like to relax and chat. 

Boy is he handsome!

Everyone always tells me "Oh! your husbands blue eyes! Don't you just want to dive into them?"

To be honest, it wasn't his eyes that first caught my attention.

Don't get me wrong! he does have beautiful, big, blue eyes, but it was his smile that first got me!

When he smiles I melt inside. 

His whole face lights up and the smile takes over.

Genuine happiness.

Lucky for me, he smiles a lot! Which means....

My insides do a whole lot of melting!

I love the way J does his hair and what kind of clothes he wears.

He has these blue, orange, and white basketball shorts that make him look so good!

I can hardly stand it!

Not to mention!!! I love the way he smells. 

Truthfully... I was in the middle of a sentence and caught a whiff of his delicious scent and it made me forget what I was saying. 

I know, I am silly, but he smells divine!

I love that J is easy going. I knew that I needed that in a man because I prefer to run the show.

J and I work perfectly together. 

J usually lets me choose what we are going to do - which I really like, but if J has an opinion he voices it and lets me know what he thinks - which I also like.

We are a perfect team.

Although J lets me decide most things we are always unanimous.

We like to work together and agree upon everything.

When we have kids we want to be sure that we work together and make decisions,

 even simple decisions, together. 

We don't want our kids to ask mom one question because they know dad won't say yes. It happens all the time, but we want our children to know we are united.

Now.... We don't have kids yet, so we will see what really happens!

I can't wait to see J be a daddy.

He is so adorable with kids, and kids love him to pieces.

It will be so much fun to watch him be a dad. 

J honors his priesthood.

He has taught me so much about the gospel of Jesus Christ 

and has helped me to grow so much in this past year.

J is such a great example to me of Faith. His testimony never waivers. 

His strength gives me strength.

I know God saved J for me, and He knew that J was the man I needed to help me get through life. 

He trusts in his relationship with the Lord and lives by it everyday.

--------------

Loving you J is easy. 

I can't imagine my life without you in it.

Thank you for dreaming big, chasing your dreams and teaching me that it is okay to do the same.

Thank you for calming my mind and keeping me on track.

Thank you for loving me with all your heart.

You have changed me for the better.

Thank you for taking care of me and providing for us. 

I never worry about us because I know you will do whatever it takes.

You are the most amazing man. 

My heart swells thinking about you and my whole body is happy.

You are wonderful! 

I love you J!!

It's A Beautiful Life!

Things have been so happy and lovely lately.

The weather is beautiful and school is great!

I now have more time to spend with my husband. 

OH how I love him!

I don't have much to say but I just wanted to post a few pictures from our recent events. 

J's birthday!!! 23! 

Hanging with his buds from Chile!

Playing with adorable puppies!

And this is to remind us all of how handsome my husband is! 

I'm a lucky girl!

Life is Crazy

I haven't posted for awhile since school started because I haven't had the time.

If I am not doing homework then I am sleeping, going to the bathroom, or on the move. 

Even then I am constantly thinking.
I haven't quite figured out how to turn my brain off. 

But I am sitting in my school library on the 5th floor

WAAAAY above the people outside walking in and out of the building

and watching how they react to the in and outs of rain. 

The rain comes down really hard in spurts and then stops for a bit and then pours again. 

It has been like this for the last little while.
Some people wait for the lull and walk out to their cars.

Some people run to their cars.

Some people just walk with no hurried pace, not seeming to care if they get wet or not.

I am thankful I do not have to make that decision right now.

I just get to sit in the warmth of the library watching these people. 

The rain falls so hard on the roof that sometimes it sounds like thunder. 

It is that weird kind of rain where there aren't clouds above your head and the sun is shining and yet there is so much rain falling.

Life is an interesting thing. 

It is beautiful.

I am happy to be apart of it all!

Priesthood Power

Every year I get a blessing from my dad to start the school year.

I remembered this week that I still hadn't gotten one yet.

I was going home over the weekend and figured I would just ask him if he could do it then.

......

It then dawned on me that I have a husband that holds the same Priesthood that my dad does, and that he could give me a "start of school" blessing.

I asked him if he would and he said of course!

Today I received the blessing and I felt such peace, confidence, and faith. 

I know that whatever happens this school year that it will all be alright.
My Heavenly Father is watching over me, and always will be.

Not to mention I have a wonderful husband who helped me through today and led me along. 

I am so blessed and I can't even begin to express enough thanks.

The Priesthood is real.

I am so thankful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

5 ways I saw the Lord's hand in my life today:

1. My husband knew what to say and when to say it when I was feeling upset.

2. Validated me in knowing that I am not the only one that feels the way that I do.

3. Received a Priesthood blessing stating everything I needed to hear to help me to calm down and be confident instead of fearful.

4. Drove home safely without any problems.

5. Happened to turn on the TV to the BYU channel and watched a devotional about prayer. Which was an answer to a question/worry I've had in my heart for a while now.

The Lord loves me and He loves you too.

Food Obsession!

Lately, my husband and I have been watching food shows.

We love to watch them cook and create delicious food.

We have also become little critics which is funny because,

we may watch people cook on tv but we don't taste what they make on tv! 

hahahaha!

But we love it!

We just finished watching "Food Network Star"

We really enjoyed it. We thought the show was classy, fun, intense, and delicious looking!

We fell in love with the contestants and were rooting for them.

We would sit down to watch an episode with a bowl of ice cream and proceed to critique them like we knew at all what we were talking about! But it sure was fun!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Our next and newest favorite it MasterChef with Gordon Ramsey, Graham Elliot, and Joe Bastianich. 

This was just introduced to us earlier this month and we have caught up with the current season 

by watching it on Hulu. We love it! It is very different from Food Network Star because 

the hopeful chefs on this show are all home cooks - meaning none of them cook professionally. 

The most shocking part of this show to me is that Gordon Ramsey is one of the nice judges....

Who would've thought??

_________________________________________________________________________________

 Our other favorite - or maybe mine more so than J's - is Cupcake Wars!

It is so interesting because creativity is part of their challenges so sometimes you end up with strange cupcakes. Most of the time they work out!

(Like a pickle cupcake with peanut butter frosting, sounds gross but the judges loved!)

It can get a little crazy there! After we watch this show we always want cupcakes.

A friend of mine got married last week and at her reception was cupcakes - cupcake war style.

J and I were thrilled!!! We ate three between the two of us. YUM!!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Finally, I had my own attempt at being a chef. 

I cook all the time, but J has been craving soft pretzels...

So being the loving wife that I am made them for him one day while he was at work!

He loved them - and so did I! 

They were delicious and we are going to make them again ASAP!!!

ANYWAYS!!

If you haven't watched any of these shows, but are a "foody" as they say...

I would definitely suggest checking these out!

In A World Like This....

This is the most excellent thing!!! I love BSB!!!

Changes...

I've been meaning to post for a long time now. 

Sometimes I think of great things to say and I want to post them, but by the time I get around to it I am too tired. haha. So.... I just don't post it. But now I am mad because I wish I would have.

Oh well.

My final school year starts in 19 days. It is bittersweet. I never thought I'd reach the day that school was over. But it is coming, and coming fast. I'm starting an internship and have to wear professional clothes....AHHH!!!

I've never had to do that before so I am nervous. I went shopping with my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law last weekend and found some cute things. So I am feeling ok about it. A few days ago I had a meeting at my new place of employment and was wearing a nice blouse, dress pants, flats, and a classy purse. I felt like such a phony. I am a t-shirt, jeans, and flip flops kind of girl. I told myself that this is who I am professionally so that I need to act like it. I was fulfilling the motto, "fake it 'til you make it" if you will. 

The meeting went well and I am really excited for it all!

Also..

The fact that I could be a mother is getting closer and closer than ever before. As excited as I am it is freaking me out. I don't know how to be a mother.... Lucky for me I have many amazing examples to help teach me and aid me in my mothering process. It will be great! There are so many great things coming my way!

I Choose You

I know I just posted lyrics to a song, but I just recently found this one and I am in love with it. I love the message, the lyrics, the music - everything. It is beautiful.

I Choose You - Sara Bareilles

Let the bough break, let it come down: Crash.

Let the sun fade out to a dark sky.

I can't say I'd even notice it was absent,

Cause I could live by the light in your eyes.

I unfold before you

What I've strung together

The very first words, of a life-long love letter.

Tell the world that we finally got it all right.

I choose you.

I will become yours and you will become mine.

I choose you.

I choose you.

There was a time when I would have believed them.

If they told me you could not come true,

just love's illusion.

But then you found me...

And everything changed!

And I believe in something again.

My whole heart,

is yours forever.

This is a beautiful start to a life-long love letter.

Tell the world that we finally got it all right.

I choose you.

I will become yours and you will become mine.

I choose you,

I choose you.

We are not perfect,

 we'll learn from our mistakes,

and as long as it takes I will prove me love to you.

I am not scared of the elements.

I'm under prepared, but I am willing.

And even better....

I get to be the other half of you.

Tell the world that we finally got it all right!

I choose you.

I will become yours and you will become mine.

I choose you.

I choose you

I choose......

you.

I think this song is so beautiful and it tells a lovely story about a girl who is ready and willing to give everything she has and everything she knows to the one she loves. She wants to shout it to the world.  She finally got it right this time! 

I love the line where it says, "Even better... I get to be the other half of you." It makes me smile. She feels so lucky to be spending forever with the one she loves and can't wait to be their other half. She'll knows she can get through anything because they will be together. 

This song helps me realize how lucky and blessed I am to have married the man that I married. He is wonderful. I can't even explain how it feels to love someone so deeply. I am glad I am his other half. 

Anyways! This is my new song obsession.

 

I choose you!