ANXIETY

Yesterday was bad. 

I cried for most of the day.

We made it to church, but I had to leave early.

Social anxiety hit me hard yesterday.
I didn't want to talk to anyone. 

All I wanted to do was sit in my bed and cry.

My parents are going out of town for two weeks.

I always cry when they leave.

I start to worry they are going to die. 

Then I think about all the things that would happen if they died,

 and what would happen to me...

 and my brother...

 and my family.

It overwhelms me. 

J kept saying to take it one step at a time.

He's right.

I was so angry with him at the time because to me he didn't understand.

He doesn't know what it is like to be in my brain.

I can hardly explain it myself.

He is so patient with me and loving and kind and I repay him with anger.

When I am in the moment that is all I can think about.

I feel so bad.

We went to a friend's house, one I've been to a bunch of times.

I couldn't get out of the car. 

I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone.

It was nothing personal... my brain just couldn't handle it.

I tried to get out of the car 3 times and couldn't.

We sat there for 20 minutes.

All the while, J being as patient and loving as can be, 

ready to turn around and go home to do what is best for me.

In the end I put on my brave face and went in.

I ended up having a good time.

I felt better.

I love J.