Panic

Yesterday I had a panic attack.

It wasn't as big or as panicky you could say as others.

My whole life I have struggled with keeping things to myself

(like stories or "secrets"). I come from a very open lifestyle

and I have no problem sharing things about myself. And because 

I don't mind sharing anything I don't comprehend that others don't

like to share their business as well. 

Since coming to college I have realized that I can't share other

people's business. Mainly out of respect for those who have 

entrusted their personal information to me. It is not my business

to tell.

My stupid mouth

Has got me in trouble

I said too much again

Oh, another social casualty

Score one more for me

How could I forget?

Mama said "think before speaking"

No filter in my head

Oh, what's a girl to do

I guess she better find one soon

Yesterday I was told something and was asked to keep it secret.

In a later conversation I let it slip. I felt horrible. I started freaking

out. My mind was racing a million miles an hour. I didn't know what

to do. I called my mom and she was able to talk me through it. I decided

that I was going to go and talk to the person who's secret I let slip.

This person is very private and I knew they wouldn't like it at all when I told

them what I had to say. But I told them and they were very understanding.

I was so surprised. We were able to reconcile our differences.  

Now in order to "conquer my tongue" as my mom called it last night

I have taken her idea of a secret journal. And not in the sense that I hide

it from everyone and keep it a secret, but it is a place that I can write down

all the things that I am told that I should keep to myself. But instead of a journal 

I am using a box. And surprisingly enough I already have some "secrets" in it.

So I am excited to see how this progresses.

Not going to lie I almost gave up last night. I almost quit and just went home and

gave up on everything here. I have felt so hopeless. And I am not saying this for

pity or for concern. I am just being honest. I feel like I am in a hole that I can't get

out of. I am trying and trying and nothing is working.

But I will not be defeated by these feelings of no self-worth. I know I matter and I 

know I have a mission on this earth. And all of these trials and things I am going through 

right now are preparing me for something in my future. Or maybe they are just for learning

experiences. Either way I have to win. And I will win. 

“Life is an error-making and an error-correcting process, and nature in marking man's papers will grade him for wisdom as measured both by survival and by the quality of life of those who survive.”

Jonas Salk

I have a great support system and have been blessed with the most amazing roommates.

Not to mention the most fantastic mother in the whole world. I love her so much. She

is the one who is able to talk me out of my panic attacks the best. I have been leaning 

on her a lot and she has never let me down. I am so lucky. I am so blessed, and I need

to remember that when I am having a rough day. I am surrounded by people who love me.

I thought I was tired...

Alas, I most certainly cannot sleep.

There is just a lot on my mind right now.

I just am thinking about my future and what

it is going to consist of...

and what will happen...

who will i be...

what will i be doing...

who will i know...

who will i still keep in touch with...

are my friends now still going to be my friends later...

am i going to use this college education...

...?...

My friends seem to be all moving on to bigger

and better things like graduate school, marriage,

missions, you name it and i probably have a friend

doing it. I don't like being left behind, and i sort of

feel like that is happening. 

But I can't let it. I have to stay on top of everything

that is going on. I need to take charge of my life

and what I want from it.

Easier said than done of course.

Not to mention I feel so over weight

and self conscience about it too.

I don't know.

I want so badly to be so good and

so perfect at everything. 

I know I can't, but...

it is still something I can't let go of.

Brandon

Brandon is my little brother.  He is the funniest boy in the world. I think at least. He is 15 and has autism.
The other day in the car we were just riding and i jumped out to go get someone else and when I got back in he says to me, "Whas wrong wif ur nose?" and I said, "nothing is wrong with my nose, what is wrong with yours?" Then he says, "ATTENTION ATTENTION: fix my nose!" I started laughing. So then I said, (trying to think quickly) "Windgardium Leviosa fix your nose!" And then my sister says, "Kimmee that isn't what that means!" and then she says "Accio fix my nose!" and I said, "that definitely isn't it!" and my brother says, "No, that's it!" I started laughing so hard! hahahah! He is so great! I love him so much!

Brandon 

"You Can Only Make A Once In A Lifetime Buddy, Once In A Lifetime"

Today my best friend... 

I mean my best friend in the whole wide world

came down to where I lived for a little visit.

It was so nice to have her here.

It is funny how one person can make you feel so at home.

Not going to lie I have been way homesick,

and I just want the summer to be here so I can go home already.

I know it is a little late, I should have been homesick two years

ago when I first moved out....

Better late than never right?

Anyways.

She came, and she made everything feel ok again.

I knew I could make it the last 1 1/2 months 

until I get to go home again. 

Then my world will be right again.

It was wonderful.

I have really missed her a lot.

There truly is no place like home.

And today she brought a little bit of home

 to me and made me feel alright.

Much love Mel...

Just me and my best friend <3

Beautiful Day

Here are all of the great things that happened to me today:

• I wore a headband (which I made myself!) and got complimented on it!
• I had the privilege of sitting next to a man named Kirk with special needs in class today and the teacher started talking about a cafeteria and Kirk leans over to me and says, "MMMMMM!!!!" and got so excited, and smiled so big! How can you not be happy when you are surrounded by that all day?!
• As I was walking through the halls in school a professor saw me and said, "Hello!" His enthusiasm was contagious so in return I smiled and said, "Hello!" He in turn said, "That was a great smile!" - my day was made!
• Then as I am sitting here in the computer lab, supposed to be working on homework the girl next to me leans over and says, "This is really random, but I really like your hair. It is beautiful." How nice is she!? All I can say is that I am so touched. 

People don't know how their random and seemingly insignificant comments can really effect people. I am grateful that they weren't shy and that they said what was on their mind. In the words of Camilla Kimball:

"Never suppress a generous thought."

The Tourist

I saw "The Tourist" last night!

Can you say OBSESSED? That would be me!

I haven't been able to stop talking about it. 

I absolutely 

FELL

IN

LOVE

with Johnny Depp's character in the movie. He was adorable!

And the twist in the end!

 GAH!!

Let's just say that I cannot wait for it to be released onto

dvd so that I can watch it all the time.

Seriously.

Ask my roommates! I am obsessed.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the movie:

#1
Frank: You're ravenous.
Elise: Do you mean ravishing?
Frank: I do.

#2
Officer: You wish to report a murder?
Frank: Attempted murder.
Officer: That's not so serious.
Frank: Not when you downgrade it from murder, but when
you upgrade it from room service, it's quite serious!

#3
Hotel Waiter: Bongiorno!
Frank: Bon Jovi!

This is all I will share for now.
 But you have to see it.
Definitely a favorite.

...And So I Joined The Crowd

I have never been one to follow crowds. Really. I never usually do. I like to do things my own way!  BUT.... as I was surrounded by my roommates, who are bloggers, I thought to myself... hmmm... this looks like a cool thing to do. So after much designing and much frustration, I now have a blog!

This is going to be my place for my thoughts and my struggles. Cause for reals... I am a struggler. I was diagnosed with anxiety 2 1/2 years ago and it has sort of taken over my train of thoughts. I guess you could say it always had, but I just didn't realize it. Now that I know I am learning to cope. It makes things interesting sometimes!

So that is sort of where I am going with this. Just post things about me and my life. It may not be very interesting but maybe it is... You can judge for yourself.